Friday, August 31, 2012

His First Shit

Fevered speculation broke out among the Whanganui press pack today as rumours circulated that after eighteen years on the inside Stewart Murray Wilson (known as the Beast of Blenheim to the impartial members of the New Zealand media) was about to take his first shit as a free man.

Speculation centered on the colouring and density of the shit in question. With clear lines being drawn between the Fairfax reporters (deep brown, hard and stodgy) and the APN News and Media reporters (brown with a green tinge and a runny mud like consistency).

Mediaworks staff were spotted negotiating with the local sewerage company to try and get exclusive access to the shit, while Mark Sainsbury helicoptered in from Auckland in the hope his considerable charisma and moustache (not to mention his prodigious pooing ability) would secure the first live interview.

A Corrections source confirmed that Wilson had been shitting regularly while in prison (often twice a day) and while the consistency had fluctuated early on, a change to his diet had produced a browner and more solid excrement.

An outraged Michael Laws demanded that Corrections build a separate sewer system as he did not want his shits associating with Wilson's.